Fall... pessimist style

I like it that it is getting cooler and fall is here, but there are a few reasons why I dread this season:
1. Those little floaty spider webs. I HATE those. I am not overly found of spiders, particularly since one (a brown recluse, no less) decided to bite me when I was 11 and instead of giving me the ability to climb up walls and shoot spider webs from my wrists it left me with a gaping hole where my side used to be. Eww is right! I haven't been able to forgive the little buggers ever since, any of them. And I hate how they leave their webs everywhere, and those little strings seem to be floating around me where ever I go. What's worse is I realize these are substances that have shot STRAIGHT OUT OF A SPIDER'S LITTLE BUM!!!
2. House flies. We haven't had a fly in our house all summer, and now since there is just the tiniest hint of a chill in the air they think they are somehow welcome to come crash at my place for the winter. What makes it worse is we don't seem to own a fly swatter, so the little devil flies around all afternoon and has decided that my upper lip makes the perfect landing pad.
3. Trying to figure out what to wear. It's cold in the morning so you put on pants and long sleeves. Then it decides to warm up in the afternoon and your roasting. So you put on short sleeves and capris, and then before you know it it's freezing again. Along with this is trying to figure out when to turn on your furnace for the first time.
4. Trying to help my indecisive 6 year old decide what to be for Halloween. Although this year he is pretty sure he wants to be a robot. Pity I don't know how to weld or write complicated computer programs. Nah, we'll just use cardboard boxes and duct tape.
5. Realizing there's only a couple months til Christmas. My mother-in-law (bless her) already has all her presents wrapped. I'll be lucky if I'm not frantically running around on Christmas Eve trying to find any open stores so I can begin my shopping.
6. Realizing I'm not thankful enough for all that I have. Oh sure, on Thanksgiving I pause to think about all the blessings I have, but really shouldn't that be the point of everyday? So what if there are spider webs and annoying flies? So what if I have to change clothes or "layer" in order to make it properly clothed through the day? I have so much to be thankful for, so many things to thank God for. Maybe I'll be able to focus on that, instead of the spider webs, and annoying flies, etc., etc.

I love my kids!!

I took this picture yesterday and thought it was too cute not to share. Brian had 50 free prints from Costco that had to be used, so I thought I would snap a few pictures of the kids. The size difference between their heads cracks me up.

I haven't been at my best the last couple of days. Corinne hasn't been sleeping very well. She ran a fever all Wednesday night/Thursday morning, was cranky and out of sorts, so consequently I didn't get much sleep. I thought I was handling sleep deprivation pretty well until yesterday afternoon when Ethan was whining about doing his homework. Let's just avoid the messy details and say I had a meltdown. It happens, and I think we've both recovered. I hope today is better, but again I didn't get much sleep last night. Corinne was coughing a little. Nothing too bad, but of course I couldn't sleep for worrying about her. Plus, the news this morning sounds pretty bleak, so right now I hold out little hope for today.

I may do some coloring later. I know that may sound weird or irresponsible, but I think it would help. Sometimes it's just nice to "revert", you know? Go back to something that made you feel good as a kid. I would draw, but coloring is less involved, and I'm not very artistic anyway. Another option is to watch a funny movie, but I'm not feeling very decisive today so I might color while watching a funny movie. This may be the best way to cope with today.

I had lots of ideas today for a "Pessimists Guide to [something]," but Corinne had her 4 month "well-baby" doctor appointment today and the inevitable shots have left her feeling quite unwell I'm afraid. Normally she is such a good baby, and very happy, but this afternoon she cried for 1/2 hour straight so I know she isn't feeling well. I HATE it when my kids are sick! I just want to take all their pain away. Wouldn't it be great if there was some way you could do that? Like, if you just held their face like Spock does when he does his Vulcan mind meld, and took all their pain and experienced it yourself so they didn't have to. I worry that Corinne thinks I betrayed her, too. What if she blames me for all this pain she doesn't understand? I just want to hold her forever right now, until she believes me that everything is going to be okay and that she'll feel better tomorrow. Of course, I also am feeling very worried and over-protective right now, worried that it's a bad reaction to the shots or something. I just want her to be okay, that's all.

I'm a pessimist. Those who know me best know this. It was knitted into my very nature while still in my mother's womb. Actually, I consider it "hyper-realism." We all know things can get bad, my mind just goes from best- to worst-case-scenario in less than sixty-seconds. Is it a curse or blessing? Maybe it's a little bit of both. Either way, my glass is half empty, and probably full of harmful microbes that will, at best, give me a mild case of what my son refers to as "danger poop."

So, consider my predicament when every one around me is trying to "look on the bright side of life." Since I love my loved ones, I tolerate their optimism as best I can, but sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Can't they see how BAD things COULD be if they really just thought about it? Yes, it's a nice sunny day but don't you know the rates of skin cancer are sky rocketing? That kind of thing. It drives me a little crazy when people seem to want to totally ignore the danger all around them- (cue ominous music) ALL-AROUND-YOU.

As a service to others, I have decided to create The Pessimists Guide... to virtually everything. I know you unbelievable cheery people want to be happy and remain oblivious to the danger all around you, but really what good has that ever done anyone? The world is a dangerous place. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!

This morning when I walked Ethan to the bus, the moon was still out. I believe it must be pretty close to full. It was just... stunning. After my son got on the bus, and we went through our morning ritual of blowing each other kisses and hugs through the bus window, I walked home in all this morning splendor, with the world waking up around me and the gorgeous moon in the sky. It was hard not to become contemplative, so I thought about nature and was struck almost immediately with this question: did God have something against the dinosaurs? I thought of that verse in the Bible that says something about God caring about sparrows and giving them what they need, so what did the dinosaurs do, or any extinct species for that matter, that made God smite them so? I have no answers.

I love being a mom. It's hard to explain, I just do. I never thought I would like it this much, but I do. Of course, there is much to worry over. And believe you me, if there is one thing I am good at, it's worrying. Sometimes the "what-ifs" keep me up at night, and all the time my stomach is tied in knots thinking of horrible possibilities. So, I try to focus on just today, and my kids really do help keep me in the present. It's hard to worry about tomorrow when lunches and bottles need to be made, teeth need brushed, diapers need changed... all those little things that fill up days and make getting out of bed not only worthwhile but absolutely vital to your family's survival (have you ever tried to change a diaper while lying flat on your back in bed? Can't be done.)

Corinne stayed up passed midnight in her crib. She was swaddled and seemed comfortable, and I sang every song I could think to her. She liked that. She even seemed to make little noises like she was trying to sing along. She was just lying there in her darkened room, listening to me sing with a smile that couldn't even be obscured by her pacifier. And even though my body was desperate for sleep, I couldn't leave her crib side, because at that moment I was completely in the present, worried about nothing, just watching my baby daughter watching me in the half-light of her room.

This morning, like every morning for the last week and a half, I walked Ethan to his bus stop. I am not a morning person at all, but getting up to help get Ethan ready for his day definitely isn't the chore I thought it was going to be, particularly since our walk together has become one of the only moments during the day that we have where it's just the two of us. We talk about the kinds of things six-year-olds care about. For instance, this morning we talked about what we dreamed about last night. In the adult world we complain about the high price of gas, the war in Iraq, the upcoming election, etc., etc. Worry, worry, and more worry. Yet Ethan doesn't have those worries, and that's not what he talks about so I allow myself to forget about all that and just enjoy the morning and the short walk with my son.

No, I haven't eradicated worry from my life. While my kids do help remind me of what's important in my life, I worry a lot about them, too. Yet, thankfully, there are moments with them that calm my anxious heart and tame the "what-ifs".