I love being a mom. It's hard to explain, I just do. I never thought I would like it this much, but I do. Of course, there is much to worry over. And believe you me, if there is one thing I am good at, it's worrying. Sometimes the "what-ifs" keep me up at night, and all the time my stomach is tied in knots thinking of horrible possibilities. So, I try to focus on just today, and my kids really do help keep me in the present. It's hard to worry about tomorrow when lunches and bottles need to be made, teeth need brushed, diapers need changed... all those little things that fill up days and make getting out of bed not only worthwhile but absolutely vital to your family's survival (have you ever tried to change a diaper while lying flat on your back in bed? Can't be done.)
Corinne stayed up passed midnight in her crib. She was swaddled and seemed comfortable, and I sang every song I could think to her. She liked that. She even seemed to make little noises like she was trying to sing along. She was just lying there in her darkened room, listening to me sing with a smile that couldn't even be obscured by her pacifier. And even though my body was desperate for sleep, I couldn't leave her crib side, because at that moment I was completely in the present, worried about nothing, just watching my baby daughter watching me in the half-light of her room.
This morning, like every morning for the last week and a half, I walked Ethan to his bus stop. I am not a morning person at all, but getting up to help get Ethan ready for his day definitely isn't the chore I thought it was going to be, particularly since our walk together has become one of the only moments during the day that we have where it's just the two of us. We talk about the kinds of things six-year-olds care about. For instance, this morning we talked about what we dreamed about last night. In the adult world we complain about the high price of gas, the war in Iraq, the upcoming election, etc., etc. Worry, worry, and more worry. Yet Ethan doesn't have those worries, and that's not what he talks about so I allow myself to forget about all that and just enjoy the morning and the short walk with my son.
No, I haven't eradicated worry from my life. While my kids do help remind me of what's important in my life, I worry a lot about them, too. Yet, thankfully, there are moments with them that calm my anxious heart and tame the "what-ifs".
