Well, Ethan took the death of Bluey Blue surprisingly well. I was almost considering telling him that we sent her to live on a fish farm, where she would have lots of friends and running ponds, but I decided to tell him the truth so he could deal with it. Actually, his reaction was a little scary, in that after I told him as we were walking home from the bus, he starting wringing his hands together somewhat diabolically and he said, "Now it's time for my ULTIMATE plan." Now, I am not sure what that means, and I was a little afraid to ask. But we came home and he helped me get her out of her little bowl. I asked him if he wanted to bury her or flush her down the toilet, and he voted for toilet. I was kind of hoping he would want to bury her so we could go for a "Circle of life" type thing, but he was adamant we flush her. So we carried her into the bathroom on a paper towel, dropped her in, and he flushed her, and that was that.

I have to admit, I am finding it very hard to be positive right now, but I am trying. I am tempted to just spend the day in my bedroom with the lights off hiding under the covers, but I am trying to keep things in perspective, and not totally break down because I need to take care of my family, who are the only ones who are keeping me sane right now. I think I need to stop watching the news. I find myself typing things like, "Will we survive?" in Google, hoping to find answers or at least someone who will say, "Everything is going to be alright." I try to depend more on God, and find hope and reassurance that he in control. But I always find myself wondering, "Where are you God? Why is this world so messed up? Can't you fix it?" And, this morning I woke up and saw that our fish had died. We've had Bluey Blue for over three years. She was our first "Fish in Space". This picture is from Jan. of 2006 when we first got her. We know she was a she because Ethan picked out this beautiful blue betta and there was a label on its container that said "Female." She was quite a feisty fish, and at times she would jump clear out of the water when I would feed her. And sometimes at night you could hear her rattling the rocks around on the bottom of her little tank. I am not sure what she was doing, but she liked to make a little noise. We bought a travel container so we could take her on trips to Buhl with us, especially if we were going to be gone for a few days. I think she was aware of us, because if we came into the room suddenly it would startle her. And if she heard you tap the top of her little tank, she would swim up and wait to be fed. While I feel badly that she died, I think I am more sad that I have to tell Ethan, and that he has to experience this somewhat unpleasant fact of life. I will tell him when he gets home from school. Maybe we can have a little service or something.

R.I.P.
BLUEY BLUE
Jan. 2006 -- April 2009

1000thingstobehappyabout.blogspot.com

I started a new blog: 1000thingstobehappyabout.blogspot.com

Using that book 14,000 Things To Be Happy About and my own realization that it would probably be a huge benefit to me if I tried to focus on more positive things in my life, I have decided to compile a list of at least 1,000 to be happy about. So, that's what I am going to do, little by little. My goal is 1,000 things, but depending on how long it takes me and other deciding factors (like if I run out of things to be happy about) I may try to continue the list. But right now I'm shooting for 1,000.

Last night was the Boy Scout cake auction. All the scouts in Ethan's den/pack were suppose to make a cake, with the help of an adult of course. He and I looked through a cookbook and the Family Fun website for ideas, and of all the cakes we saw he was taken with the butterfly cake on FF the most. I was surprised he chose a butterfly cake, but I was more than happy to help him out. He said he wanted it to be a monarch butterfly, because that is his favorite. Just when I think I know this kid and his likes and dislikes.

Anyway, we made the cake. His job was to help me mix the food coloring in the frosting so we could get orange. Here is the before shot. Basically its a round chocolate cake cut in half for the wings, and two Twinkies for the body.And here is the after shot. The brown is chocolate frosting. I used a Ziploc bag with a little hole cut in the corner to draw on the veins on the wings and outline the wing and do the antenna. The white dots are white Jelly Bellies.I thought it was pretty clever, and I had fun making it with Ethan. I thought that it would do better at the cake auction, especially since Ethan did a GREAT job holding it up for everyone to see. He was a regular Vanna White, which is a little weird to be saying about your son. I guess I just really appreciated his enthusiasm. In the end, it only went for like $6. The cakes that went for the most money, like $15-$20 were piled with candy and toy cars. I guess boys just don't get that excited about butterflies. So next year this is what I am going to do: I'm just going to bake a cake and dump a bunch of candy and cars on it.

I know I am not a perfect parent. I love my kids, LOVE them so much. I would not want to go on living if I didn't have them in my life. But sometimes, I just feel like I need a break. I feel guilty feeling like this, but I would just like to be by myself for an afternoon, maybe take a walk, or go read a book somewhere on a blanket under a tree.

Another reason I know that I am not a perfect parent is because I sometimes do things as a parent even though I know they aren't a good idea. For example, when Corinne came home from the hospital we had her room set up with a bassinet and a full size bed. That way, I could care for her through the night and not disturb Brian too much. So it started out me in the bed and her in the bassinet. Then gradually, it was her and I in the bed, and it's been like that ever since. It's kind of been a source of embarrassment for me. I know all the experts say co-sleeping is not a good, if not dangerous, idea. But it was the only way we could all get a good night sleep. I could nurse her when she woke up and not even need to move, and then when the nursing stopped I could pop the pacifier in her mouth and go right back to sleep. I have been wanting to change this, to get her to sleep in her crib, but I just haven't had the gumption until today when I found she had slipped between the mattress and the railing on her side of the bed. She was fine. Since the mattress is on the floor, she was just standing there with her hands on the mattress. But I worry about her getting hung up in a way that could really hurt her. So, this afternoon I made the decision to put her to sleep in her crib. This isn't probably going to be an easy transition, especially since I would lay down next to her when she went down for nap. I think the best idea is for her to try and fall asleep, and stay asleep, by herself in her own room. If her reaction this afternoon has been any indication, I don't think she thinks this is a good idea.

So, I guess the biggest reason I know I am not a perfect parent is because I oftentimes don't do what is best because it isn't convenient. I need to change that.

Brian and Ethan are off to visit a dairy as part of a scouts outing, and Corinne is taking a nap. So here I am, left to my own devices. Oh, how shall I pass the time? By meticulously cleaning my house, which sorely needs it? Oh heavens no!! I am wasting my time trolling the internet, of course. We had a doosie (sp?) of a week, which was punctuated on April 1st by a letter Brian received at work. I really wish it had been an April Fool's joke, but, alas, no. It was just a memo outlining Channel 6's "pay reduction program." Basically Brian will be making 6% less every bi-weekly pay period, which means we will be losing about $170 a month before taxes. Add this to the fact that he would be making less anyway since he recently added me to his insurance, and you can see where we might be panicking a little. By no means are we entering brown shorts territory, but I admit we are very, very concerned. Brian thinks we'll have enough to pay bills and buy food, but after our little house debacle our savings is significantly diminished, and we're really going to have to watch things. I am worried, to say the least. My biggest fear is that the company is closer than we think to going under, and any day Brian will lose his job. I mean, we're smart people, we should be okay, right? Well, right now there are a lot of smart people looking for jobs, and I'm scared to think what might happen. You would think this is where my faith in God would kick in, but it seems the harder I pray for things to be okay the worse things get. Since Wednesday I've really be resorting to comfort things, like eating frosting out of the can, and watching The Princess Bride. I'm such a dork. Wednesday was the worse day because Brian and I both ended the day in tears. Thursday was a bit better, because Brian and I rallied together and decided that as long as we had our family then everything will be okay, a real "us against the world" kind of moment. Friday and today we're getting back to normal, I think.

Spring Break came and went. We packed a lot into the 10 days, though. We took a trip to the Bruneau Sand Dunes; spent some time in Buhl; took a drive to Malad Gorge, the Nature Conservancy, Clear Springs; and went to Herrett's Museum, got Ethan a haircut, went to the mall all in Twin Falls. I also attended our church's women's retreat at Pilgrim's Cove in McCall, ID. The weather was rotten, with continued rotten into this week. Is it possible for March to come in AND go out like a lion? I guess in Idaho it is. Right now I am at "work". I have sat here once a week for six weeks or so, and so far not one person has come in to use the library. It is kind of nice to have peace and quiet for two hours, though, and be surrounded by books. Just wish someone would come in, if for nothing else but to prove that my position is necessary.

just some stuff

• Lost: Is it wrong that I like Juliet more than Kate? I actually really don't like Kate, I tolerate her. I like Juliet's intelligence and she is so enigmatic. If it turns out she really is a "bad" guy and is working with Ben, I think I still would like her better than Kate.
  
• I am really enjoy 24 this season. Oh sure, it's full of plot holes and worn out story lines, but you got to love it when Jack tazes a phone.
• Is it spring yet? I just want some nice weather so we can get out and do stuff with the kids.
  
• Why do Peeps and Cadbury Eggs have to be so delicious?
• I think the news media needs to stop letting Natalie Suleman do interviews. She doesn't need to be under this kind of scrutiny. It's obvious a lot of people don't agree with what she did, but it's done. What matters now is those 8 sick babies, her six older children, and what's best for them. I wish she would quit doing interviews, and I think she should have never done that first one. She needs to focus on her family, and she has some really tough decisions to make. Show the world what you think is important, Natalie. Take care of your family.
• Ethan is racing his "Anaconda Honda" in his first ever Pine Wood Derby this weekend. I am really looking forward to it.
• I finished watching Torchwood Season 2 this weekend. I didn't really like it as much as the first season. I can't really recommend it, I think there are better science fiction series out there right now, such as Battlestar Gallactica and Fringe.
• We've spent the last two Saturdays watching Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back, respectively. I hope we have time to watch Return of the Jedi this Saturday.
  

Well, this week is turning out only slightly better than last week. The thing that is keeping it from being a total loss is that Corinne is feeling a lot better since the doctor gave her antibiotics and she is getting over her ear infections and upper respiratory infection. We have heat and water, and all the fans are out from under the house so all we have left to take care of is the insulation. The insurance is refusing to pay for anything because the water that caused the damage was a "subsurface" leak. I tried to talk to them today, but all I got was emotionally and physically drained. All I want for them to do is to help us find a way to pay for all this. I really don't care what the policy says. Damage is damage, and if they won't pay for the pipe they need to pay for the clean up and replacement. I really don't know what I am saying. I want to fight them, but I don't know where to begin. I just wish I could handle things like this better. I want to be calm and not worried and have that "whatever will be will be" attitude but I am just the opposite. I am frustrated and angry and scared and worried.

My tale of "whoa"

Monday morning started out pretty routine, except our furnace sounded "funny," and there was a weird "static-y" sound somewhere in our bedroom. I didn't think too much about it because I was busy getting Ethan off to school and seeing Brian off to work. Plus, I was anxious to get Corinne fed so that maybe she and I could get back to sleep. She was sick and cranky all weekend, and hadn't slept well at all. So of course, I was exhausted and I needed to do a little catching up on my sleep while she slept. We went back to bed around 8:00 am, and slept until 11:00 am or so. Corinne was ready to be up, but I was kind of stalling and trying to get her to hang around in bed a little longer. Eventually I just had to get up because she wasn't having any of me being lazy. I got her up and went into the kitchen to get some juice/water for her. As I was filling her cup I noticed the water pressure wasn't as strong as it usually was. For some reason I still don't understand my brain found a connection between the furnace sounding funny, the weird static-y sound, and the lower than normal water pressure, and I decided I better get to the bottom of things. I went in our room and realized the weird sound was coming from under the floor in our closet. We have a crawl space under our house that is accessed in our closet through a trap door (no we are not magicians and it sounds a lot sexier then it actually is). I lifted the trapdoor to find our crawl space was completely filled with water, and the water was practically in the house! I began checking the heat registers and quickly realized that every furnace duct into our house was also filled with water. I started panicking right away. I called Brian, my parents, and eventually the city to come and turn the water off to our house before water came flooding in.

So now, almost 36 hours later here is where things stand: tonight, we are spending a second night in a hotel. We now have running water (the controlled, in-the-pipes kind) in our house because Master Rooter came and dug two huge holes in our yard to try and find the problem and eventually fixed it. It looks like the main pipe that runs under the foundation was installed incorrectly by our builder 8 years ago. Unfortunately we still have no heat because all the air ducts need to be replaced, and it's still too wet for anyone to get down there and install them. Theoretically we could have heat by tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. In addition to the air ducts some of the insulation needs to be replaced. Our insurance company has been... unhelpful to say the least. It's likely this is going to cost us a lot of money. Brian has missed a day and a half of work, and will maybe miss tomorrow. We are both physically and emotionally exhausted. To add to all my worries about the house, Corinne is still sick. She is running a fever again tonight, has some sort of rash all over her body, and coughs so hard it looks like she is going to pass out. I've taken her to the doctor twice in the last month and all I ever get is that it's a virus so all we can do is put her under the vaporizer, give her some Tylenol and wait it out. But the poor child isn't getting any better and I don't know what to do. I have to say that Ethan is doing great, though. He was pretty excited about staying in a hotel, and he came home from school today to find an excavator in his yard. What could be better than that! And he lost his two front teeth yesterday (yeah two teeth in one day and he's lost 4 total in the last week!) and got two dollars.

My parents came to offer assistance but since Dad feels like there isn't much they can do as far as repairs to the house they are going home. I know I am a grownup and I should face this like an adult, but, man, I dread seeing my Mom and Dad go. They may not have been able to crawl under the house and get stuff done, but I really appreciated their emotional support. Does that make me weak? I can't help it. I am feeling quite overwhelmed. People keep telling me, "It could have been worse," and that's true. Yet I still feel scared and worried and unsure of what to do. Yeah, I could look on the bright side. I keep trying to tell myself things like, "Well, hey, at least we got rid of all the spiders and other creepy crawling things under the house," or, "for awhile we had our own basement swimming pool," but I still have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. What are we going to do? How are we going to pay for all this? Why isn't Corinne getting any better? When do we get our house back?

When I was in 5th grade, I took skiing lessons at Magic Mountain resort, south of Twin Falls, ID. I don't remember being totally sold on the idea of learning how to ski. My mom and older sister were taking lessons, it was some special four lesson package that our church was getting, and somehow they convinced me to come along. The first day I got put into a beginners class, and I was separated from my mom and sister. After a quick lesson on the basics, the instructor took us over to the bunny hill. My first time up the rope tow, I fell forward at the top, my skiis crossed in the back, and I couldn't get up. The rope tow operator had to stop the lift and come rescue me. I remember him walking me back down the hill and sitting me down in a chair, where I cried hysterically for awhile. Scared, and alone, I then wandered back to the rental shop/cafe to wait for my mom and sister. After that day I felt pretty strongly that I was done with skiing and I wasn't going to go back, but Dad convince me to give it one more try by telling me he would come with me. So I tried again, and I even made it up and down the bunny hill a couple of times without too much trouble. I will never forget, though, the feeling of panic when I would feel myself going too fast, and then falling down on purpose so I would stop going too fast and ending up out of control.

Well, that is a LONG way of explaining that that is how I feel right now. Things are getting just too out of control and I am feeling panicky, but there is nowhere to fall. I have to keep going down the hill no matter how messy it gets. Yeah, it could be worse, and I know that the most important thing right now is my family. I could lose 10,000,000 houses and be okay as long as my family was okay. I know we have a lot to still be thankful for, but that still doesn't stop me from feeling like someone drop a ton of bricks on us. I guess, "whatever will be will be" and "just take one day at a time" and "this too shall pass" and "that which does not kill us makes us stronger", right?

Hello sun

The middle of February suddenly got busy for us. With Presidents' Day both Ethan and Brian had the day off, so we spent the weekend in Buhl. Ethan also had Tuesday off, and with the Friday before off he had a 5 day weekend. We are also now back to being a two car family. My awesome and generous parents gave us their old mini-van! We are grateful beyond words.

I am back to work, so to speak. I am working just two hours a week, from 6-8 on Tuesdays at the middle school I use to work at. They want to keep the library open in the evening for parents and students to use the library and computers. So far in the two nights I've worked we've had a total of zero people come in. I am hoping it picks up a little.

Corinne is still suffering from the never-ending cold. Now Ethan is coughing, sniffling, and complaining his ear hurts. It totally could be worse, but it's hard seeing my kids not feel well. Corinne turned 9 months old Tuesday, and she is playing peek-aboo, babbling up a storm, standing a little on her own, and just generally being cute and lovable. Ethan is doing well in school. According to his reading scores he is ahead of where he needs to be as a first grader, and he is doing well in math. He just needs to work on making his work a little neater. Of course, I think he is a pretty bright, imaginative kid.

I am frustrated that Corinne is still sick.

Trip to Puyallup

Last weekend Ethan, Corinne, and I flew to Seattle with my mom and dad to visit my in-laws who live in Puyallup. We were a little concerned since it seemed like Western Washington was being flooded, but despite the weather we had no problems getting there, getting around, or getting back home. It was Corinne's first plane ride, and her first visit at Nana and Pappy's house. She also got to meet her Uncle Bren and Aunt Michelle. It was a great trip, and both of the kids were good as gold. Corinne didn't fuss on the plane at all, and despite an erratic nap schedule she was generally a happy baby the whole trip. Ethan was his usual happy self and a great helper. Ethan also bonded with his Uncle Bren, was his teammate for "Apples to Apples" and talked with him about movies and video games. Even though it was a quick trip, I am glad we went and I am thankful that my parents were with me to help navigate through the airport with two kids. It's also nice to be one of those people who gets along with both parents and in-laws, and who has parents and in-laws who get along with one another. I also couldn't ask for better grandparents for my kids.

The kids with Nana and Pappy at Stanley and Seafort's, Tacoma.

Corinne with Grandma and Papa.

Ethan with Grandma and Papa.Ethan chillaxin' with Uncle Bren.Corinne with Aunt Michelle.

playing catch-up

For all my "bah-humbug-ness" Christmas turned out pretty nice. So nice, in fact, that I was sorry to see the holiday season end. I bought a new digital camera with my birthday money, so I was able to capture a lot of holiday memories. We spent Dec. 20-27 in Buhl. It was nice to be with my family, but Brian had to go back to work and didn't come back until Christmas Eve, and I missed him. But the kids had so much fun with cousins and grandparents.

It snowed, and Melissa, Jackson, Leah, and Ethan made a "Snow Sea Turtle" as you can see.

The kids also did a pre-Christmas show. Ethan, with a Boppy on his head, and Jon are doing some sort of stand-up routine.

Boone looking wistfully out the window at the snow and the little birds.



Ethan and Corinne on Christmas morning.

Corinne seemed to enjoy all the excitement of her first Christmas, even if she didn't quite understand what was going on.




Ethan is a BIG Wall-E fan. He got the DVD plus a Wall-E and Eve toy. I have since watched it twice and I have to say it's one of my favorite Pixar movies.




Brian teaching Grandma Murray how to bowl on my parents new Wii.


We were back home for New Years and spent New Years Eve playing games at Pam and Chad's. Both Ethan and Corinne were up at midnight, but we all slept in on New Year's Day. As with all vacations, the time went by way too quickly. But, like I said, we have a lot of good memories.